When I was living in Tokyo, I came across an expression I immediately fell in love with: ichigo ichie (一期一会), often translated as “one time, one meeting.”
The idea comes from the Japanese tea ceremony. The principle is that even if the same host and guests meet again in the same room, that particular gathering will never happen twice. The people, the mood, the season and the circumstances will all be different. Ichigo ichie is an invitation to treat each encounter accordingly.
Most of us understand the importance of close relationships. Partners, family and friends provide intimacy, emotional support and the feeling of being deeply known. Because these relationships matter so much, it’s easy to overlook the value of people outside that inner circle. But seemingly minor encounters can contribute more to our well-being than we might expect.
Psychologists studied what they call “weak ties”: acquaintances, classmates and other people we know without being close to them. They found that people reported greater happiness and a stronger sense of belonging on days when they interacted with more weak ties than usual.
In another experiment, they studied customers ordering drinks at a coffee shop. Some were asked to make the transaction as efficient as possible. Others were encouraged to turn it into a small social interaction by smiling, making eye contact and having a brief conversation with the barista. The second group left in a better mood and with a greater sense of belonging.
These interactions are easy to dismiss because they’re brief, but the concept of ichigo ichie can help us understand how their brevity may be part of what makes them valuable.
There’s value in knowing something will end. For instance, researchers found that college students who were prompted to think of graduation as approaching soon became more engaged with college life and reported greater well-being.
They called this perceived temporal scarcity, the idea that when we remember that an experience is finite, we tend to appreciate it more:
1) We notice what makes each encounter unique. Another coffee with the same friend or conversation with a colleague may feel routine, but neither of you is exactly the same as last time. Looking for what is different makes familiar interactions feel like new again.
2) We engage more fully with the person in front of us. Instead of checking your phone or thinking about what to say next, you become more present, maybe even a little more curious about where the conversation is going, just through giving an ordinary interaction your full attention.
3) We find more meaning in small interactions. A conversation doesn’t need to lead to a friendship to matter. A chat with a neighbor, colleague, or barista can still contribute to a sense of connection.
You don’t need to seek out more people to interact with. Just start experimenting with the people already woven into the fabric of your days.
Learn your neighbor’s name. Ask a real question to a colleague you usually only make small talk with. Say hello to the person you regularly see at the gym. If you go to the same café each morning, ask the barista how they’re doing. None of these conversations needs to lead to anything deeper.
You can also practice ichigo ichie with people you know well. Familiarity can make us assume that there will always be more time: another dinner, another call, another chance to ask the question or listen properly. Remembering that this particular conversation will not happen again can bring some attention back to interactions that have become automatic.
Even if you meet the same person tomorrow, tomorrow will be a different meeting. So when someone is in front of you, be there too.