You’re in a meeting and have something to say; perhaps you disagree with a proposal or have an idea worth exploring. But just as you’re about to speak, you hesitate. What if your colleagues think it’s a bad idea? What if you sound foolish? What if someone challenges you? Rather than risk being judged or rejected, you decide to keep your thoughts to yourself.
Almost immediately, you feel a sense of relief. By staying silent, you’ve avoided an uncomfortable situation. And because avoiding the situation reduced your anxiety, your brain learns to associate silence with safety. Over time, staying silent can become your default response whenever you feel uncertain.
But why does this happen in the first place? You’re sitting in a meeting room, surrounded by colleagues, with no immediate physical danger. So why does your brain respond as though you need protecting?
Why we make decisions out of fear
The answer lies partly in our evolutionary history. Our brains evolved to prioritize avoiding danger because the consequences of failing to recognize a threat were often far greater than the consequences of missing an opportunity.
For our ancestors, being overly cautious might have meant losing out on something desirable, while being insufficiently cautious could have meant losing their lives. Over generations, natural selection favored protective systems that were sensitive to potential threats, even at the expense of occasional false alarms.
Psychiatrist and evolutionary biologist Randolph Nesse explained this through what he called the smoke detector principle. Just as a smoke alarm is designed to go off at the slightest indication of smoke, even when there’s no fire, our defensive systems are designed to respond to possible threats before we can be certain they’re real.
But how does this explain our modern fears in the absence of actual threat to our lives, like in a meeting?
Those happen because fear is more than an emotional response to danger. It’s part of a neurobiological system that motivates protective behavior. Crucially, these systems respond to perceived threats, including situations that pose no immediate physical danger.
And that’s why the possibility of rejection, embarrassment, criticism or failure can be enough to trigger a protective response.
How to make more curiosity-driven decisions
Staying silent, turning down an opportunity or avoiding a difficult conversation can feel reassuring in the moment, even when these choices prevent us from growing. But we can learn to respond to uncertainty with greater curiosity instead of automatically choosing short-term relief.
- Practice metacognition. When you notice yourself hesitating, examine the assumptions behind your fear. What exactly are you afraid will happen? How likely is that outcome? What evidence supports your prediction? Creating some distance between your thoughts and your actions can help you make a more deliberate choice.
- Run tiny experiments. If speaking up in meetings feels intimidating, experiment with asking one question or sharing one small suggestion every meeting. Notice what happens and compare it with what you predicted. Tiny experiments can help you explore your fears through experience rather than relying entirely on imagined outcomes.
- Learn in public. Share your ideas, questions and unfinished thinking with others. Making your learning visible creates opportunities for feedback and helps you become more comfortable with the uncertainty that comes with being seen and evaluated.
Fear will always play a role in our decisions, and for good reason. Sometimes it alerts us to genuine risks worth considering. But other times, it reflects a protective response that can get in the way of experimentation and discovery.
The next time you find yourself holding back, pay attention to what your fear is telling you. Consider the risks of taking action, but also the opportunities you might miss by avoiding it. Curiosity can help you explore those possibilities and make choices informed by experience.